Attachment Parenting & Sleep Training
In most parental relationships, as you probably know, there’s one parent who takes on the majority of the responsibilities when it comes to the kids. I’m not talking about the antiquated idea of, “Mom feeds, dresses, changes, teaches, nurtures, and raises the kids, and Dad goes to work and kisses them goodnight when he gets home in time.” But most of the families I’ve worked with have had one parent who takes on a little more of the baby-related responsibilities. It might be split, but there’s usually someone who has the role of primary caregiver.
And that parent, more often than not, is usually the one who handles two main things; feeding baby and putting baby to bed.
If this sounds like you and you’re one of the millions of families who are trying to teach your little one how to get to sleep independently and have them sleep through the night, I’d like to offer a suggestion…
I suggest you assign the bedtime responsibilities to the parent who doesn’t typically handle the feeds..
Here’s my reasoning, and It’s just a theory that I’ve come to believe after witnessing its effectiveness.
Sleep struggles in babies over the age of six months are overwhelmingly caused by reliance on a “sleep prop,” as I call them. They’ve grown accustomed to being rocked to sleep for naps and bedtimes, or taken for car rides or stroller rides, or a very common one, they’re fed or nursed to sleep.
Getting your baby to sleep through the night relies heavily on breaking that dependence on their sleep prop, so that when they wake up after a sleep cycle (which we all do, even as adults, several times a night) they can get back to sleep on their own. They don’t need that external “sleep prop” for a parent or caregiver to come and help or feed them so they can get back to sleep again. They develop the skills to go from awake to asleep all on their own.
But like I say, that’s a skill, and skills take time to develop. So while they’re learning how to do this, you’re likely in for a few nights where the baby’s going to be tired, but unable to get to sleep. They’re going to want that “prop” and they’re probably going to get frustrated that you won’t give it up.
It’s confusing, and understandably so.
So what we’re aiming to do is minimize that confusion. We won’t be able to alleviate it completely on night one, but we can take it down a peg or two. And if your baby is typically nursed or bottle fed to sleep, then I strongly suggest you put the parent who doesn’t handle the feeds in charge of bedtime.
Reason being, if baby’s looking to feed their way off to sleep, and the parent who usually feeds them is sitting right beside their crib, the level of confusion and frustration is going to be heightened. Having the parent who doesn’t handle the feeding in the room is likely to get a little more protest right off the bat, but since baby doesn’t associate that parent with feeding or nursing, they tend to stop protesting sooner.
So whether you’re about to start teaching your baby some independent sleep skills, or you’ve already started and things don’t seem to be going to plan, I’d nudge you to give this little strategy a try.
Sleep training requires consistency, and you and your partner should have a well-established plan that you’re both comfortable with, but there’s room for each of you to have a different style within that framework.
So resist the urge to hover over your partner as they figure out their own approach. It’s vital that they know you’re confident in their parenting abilities. Micromanaging someone else’s parenting is likely to result in them just throwing their hands up and saying, “Fine, you do it.” Then you’re on your own again and this frustrating cycle continues.
Don’t undervalue what you’ve got here. This is someone with a deep and genuine love for your child who’s available and eager to help you with one of the most daunting challenges of early parenting, and they’re willing to! You might be very pleasantly surprised at the results they get, and you get to enjoy the rather sublime experience of watching them build their own little set of inside jokes, routines, and nuances
You’re going to learn how supportive you can both be in some tough moments, how much stronger the two of you make each other, and how unstoppable you are when you parent as a team. You’re taking a problem that could seriously deteriorate your relationship and agreeing to tackle it together, and I think you should both be very proud of that.
I hope it goes smoothly from the start, but just remember if it doesn’t, I’m always here to help. Two parents presenting a united front is a mighty force, but those same parents armed with an expert to help them through this process, well that’s practically unstoppable.
Related posts
